LOSS

I feel withdrawn and empty. I wanted to hide for a while but I need to tell you what happened so I can move forward, even though I feel like I want time to hold still so I don’t have to let go. I found out I was pregnant on September 1^st  (due May 13, 2013). I told Larry by sending Allen into the room wearing a onesie that said “Big Brother May 2013.” We saw the heartbeat on September 18^th when I was just over 6 weeks along. (I have to be seen early due to my history.) I felt really hopeful. Since we saw the heartbeat with Allen, but not with my first two miscarriages, I had something to hold onto.

But the next couple days I was worried for some reason. I had been really sick and then one day I just felt better. On Friday, September 21^st, I went back to the doctor for another ultrasound. My heart sank. There was no heartbeat. Dr. Watts said he was sorry. He arranged to do a D & C at St. Marks that afternoon.

 I went home for a couple hours and then me, Larry, and Allen went to St. Marks and I was admitted to my room. Eventually, they took me down to get ready for the O.R. Dr. Watts came to talk to me and took me to the operating room for the procedure. When I woke up, I felt empty and sad that it was all over. The nurse leaned over and told me she was really sorry and knew I’ve always had a hard time being able to have babies. All of my nurses that day were really compassionate towards me, as was my doctor (he's always been really caring and helped me get treatment to have Allen and he delivered him). I'm grateful for them.

When I got back to my room I was alone at first. Then Larry and Allen came in. I’m so grateful I have my baby boy and having him there with me brought me a lot of comfort. But the loss is always so real when I miscarry. This was my third miscarriage. 75% of my pregnancies have ended in early miscarriage. I have to be on medications to even attempt to get and stay pregnant and it takes a lot of time and patience.

Now I just want to remember my baby with the heart beating that I saw just days earlier. I don’t need to hear about other’s knowing how it feels from their experiences, because I feel we all have different losses,  and it’s always hard. I guess I don't really mind people sharing if they want to (I think it's human nature to try and relate), but we’re each different and have different situations.   I just want to hear “I’m sorry.” I just want to remember the loss and be hopeful for the future.

I’m so grateful for my little boy, Allen, he means the world to me. He helps me stay hopeful too. Larry gave me a blessing last night and has tried to help me cheer up (he sent Allen to give me a kiss, which he did, sweet little boy). I don’t know how it all works or why I have these challenges. But I feel like we'll have each of the babies that are meant to come to us when the time is right. The losses along the way are always heartbreaking, but all I can do is keep hoping.

Our New Appliances!

So we decided to get some new appliances for our new home. We found this website Goedekers.com where we got a great deal on a new washer, dryer and refrigerator. We can't wait to get them. If anyone is looking at getting new appliances this is definitely the place to go. Their service is great, prices are amazing, and they have free shipping and a free 10-year warranty on the appliances. Nobody can beat their prices. Check them out!

My baby turned one! (February 22nd)

Right after birth / On his first birthday

So I'm just going to make a quick post because I want to update the blog. Allen turned one year old on February 22nd (finally updating the blog over a month later). I can't believe how much he's grown. Our little boy had quite a first year.

Here are just a few things that went on his first year:
He was born February 22nd 2011 at 4:52 PM 8 lbs 6 oz 20in
He was born with club feet and pneumonia.
He was in the NICU for 9 days
We brought him home March 3rd
He was on home oxygen until he was two months old
He was casted for club feet at 2 weeks old and had the casts until he was 11 weeks old
He had his tenotomy procedure done at 7 weeks
He was blessed on Mother's Day, May 8th
After getting his casts off, he wore the brace full time until he was 6 months(he'll wear it at night only until he's four)
At 3 1/2 months he could scoot around by using his brace
First cereal  at 4 1/2 months
Started rolling over at 5 1/2 months
Sitting up on his own at 5 1/2 months
First words at 6 months "Dada" then "Mama"
Crawling at 7 1/2 months
First tooth at 11  months
Some growing stats...
8 lbs 6 oz 20in @ Birth
8 lbs 9 oz @ 9 days
10 lbs 10 oz @ 7weeks
14 lbs 4 oz 26 inches @ 4 months
16 lbs 11 oz 28 inches @ 6 months
18 lbs 6 oz @ 7 months
18 lbs 9 oz @ 28 1/2 inches 9 months
20 lbs 14 oz 30 inches @ 12 months
At one year old: 70th percentile height, 20th percentile weight

Sleepy baby in the NICU

One day old

Newborn...he was so tiny!

Casting

Allen's Blessing Day

Just a few things about our little Allen...
We call him "Monkey" (He does the best monkey stretches ever!)
He loves music. He dances like a gangsta.
He has the best laugh
He loves animals, especially our dog Kodi.
He doesn't sleep much...never has.
He doesn't compain much. He's been through so much in his first year, with hospitals, and uncomfortable treatments for his feet and wearing a brace...but through it all he's taught us about patience and resilience.
He's the sweetest little boy ever!

I just can't say enough how grateful I am to be Allen's mom. Having him in our lives has been the greatest blessing. We adore him more than we can ever express. I made a video to sum up his first year (makes me wanna cry) I somehow left out a clip that shows his casts, which were a big part of the beginning of his life. And I think his 7th month might not be in here. Some day I might go in and add those things...cuz I'm obsessive like that. (apparently it may be awhile before I get it added. it won't upload).

Allen's First Birthday


We got Allen got his own tractor truck for his 1st birthday present. He loves it and says "weeee" as we push him around. To celebrate his bday, we took him to lunch at IHop and then headed over to the Living Planet Aquarium. Allen has always shown an interest in animals and fish. So it wasn't much of a surprise to see his excitement when he met the little sea creatures. He loved the penguins especially and kept saying "ooooo, woahhh" as they swam around (they're social little animals and kept showing off right in front of us). We also visited the sea otters exhibit. We poked our heads in one of those things where you're essentially in the exhibit (you know what I mean?) and the otters were no where to be seen. That is until Allen poked his head in. They all came running up to us. It was pretty cool!  Allen's quite popular with the sea otters (I just realized that's what he was for his first Halloween, lol). Later in the day, we gave Allen a balloon, which was his best friend apparently (he wouldn't let go of it) and a big cupcake as his smash cake. He made a nice mess with that :)

Handsome boy with his balloon

Not a fan of birthday hats

 On February 26th, we had a family birthday party for him. My family brought him some gifts and we had some food and cake. Larry made an awesome guitar and drum set cake for him. Then we watched the video that I made of his first year. It was fun and meant a lot to me to celebrate our little boy.

Birthday party

Guitar cake made by daddy

Smiling while we sing happy birthday

On March 2nd, Allen had his one year checkup. The pediatrician said he's doing great, but she was concerned that he needed physical therapy because he doesn't have much muscle tone in his legs. It hasn't seemed to be much of an issue though. After his appointment, I took him down to the first floor where labor & delivery and the nicu are. I showed him his window and then took him in there to drop off a card. It was a cute little letter written in his words, with a then and now picture of him from the day he came home and then him at one year old. They said they'd put it in a little book where they keep the cards for first anniversarys (from going home). He actually came home March 3rd, but hey, it's a leap year so that works.

From his NICU anniversary card

It brought back a lot of memories. It seemed like he'd never get out of the NICU (aaaand he probably only went home as soon as he did due to my pestering...what? I knew he'd do better at home.) Now it had been a whole year since that time.

At one year old...
Allen says "Mom, Dad, woah, wow, and weee" lol.
He loves giving hugs and kisses
He had just four teeth, all of which came in after 11 months (he was our gummy bear for quite a while :)
He likes playing games and is always silly
He could walk with help (along the wall, holding hands, etc)...more to come on walking by himself in my next post.

I'm so proud of Allen for all he's accomplished in his first year. And I'm grateful that he's healthy and happy. We love you Allen! :)

Allen each month from newborn to 12 months

Allen's New Look

January 1st, 2012...Allen got his first haircut. Talk about a handsome little boy!

A little nervous at first...

Such a good boy

Yay for first haircuts!

Before

After

Christmas and a New Year

Well, 2011 has come and gone. And what a year it was. Before I get to the year in review I'll share a bit about Allen's first Christmas.

Of course, Christmas Eve was Larry's birthday and he turned 28! Thirty is just around the corner. Muahaha. We went to temple square and looked at the lights. It was freezing but I'm glad we were able to take Allen.

Salt Lake Temple on Christmas Eve...Larry's 28th Birthday

Handsome boy on a cold night

Me and my boy at temple square

Then we drove around forever trying to find a place that was open so we could get Larry's b-day dinner. We finally got Applebees to go and went home to watch a movie. After the birthday festivities (i.e. cake) Allen opened his Christmas Eve jammies...so cute in his monkey jammers!

lots o' candles!

Just opened his Christmas Eve Jammies

Christmas morning, we opened presents and headed off to Church for the one hour block. Of course, I managed to be late. But anyway, it was the first time since 2008 that we'd been home to do Christmas so that was nice. Now that I'm not a kid anymore (when did that happen?) Christmas really doesn't matter to me in regards of presents. All I care about is that I have the gospel and my family.
Allen cared more about Larry's birthday balloon than his presents, but oh well. If he doesn't care so much about presents, it'll be easier to teach him that Christmas is really about Jesus...right?
Christmas night we got together at my sister Kaylynn's house with all of my family. It was the first time in years that we'd all been together on Christmas so that was really fun.

Such a pretty boy ;)

"His" balloon

Christmas morning...we did presents this year...see!

Allen thought "Scout" was pretty cool

Cute lil boy

He even got his own guitar!

First Christmas toys

Kodi got a Christmas toy too

Allen with his Campbell cousins on Christmas night

On December 29th, Larry thought it would be a grande idea to get a new puppy, and it just had to be a dachshund. I insisted we go to the shelter for an adult dog instead. We went to two shelters but Larry insisted on getting said dachshund. I tried. I really did. So Maisy joined the family and has been annoying me (and my dog Kodi) ever since. I'm learning to like her though and she seems to like me quite a bit...can you blame her? ;)

Allen likes her :)

Maisy with her tongue sticking out because she's "special"

smiling during a sun bath

Well, new year's eve rolled around and we didn't do anything special. In fact, Larry and Allen were both asleep before midnight. When the year ended I sat on the couch thinking about what a year it was.
The biggest highlight was of course, the arrival of our son Allen. We had waited three years and been through two miscarriages and infertility, but it was all worth it. The pregnancy had also been rough and it was so amazing to finally meet our precious baby boy.  Our lives met pure joy when Allen was born on February 22nd, 2011.  From the moment he was born he taught us about patience, love, and a positive attitude. He was born with club feet, pneumonia, and a rare airway virus that required him to be on home oxygen for 2 months. His first few months were quite a challenging time but also a very happy time.

Allen in the Nicu on his birthday 2/22/11

So in love

First casting in March '11

Eventually, he got out of the NICU, the oxygen tubes and tanks went away, the casts molded his feet so you couldn't even tell he was born with a birth defect, and with time, everything got better. We couldn't be more blessed to have such a healthy little guy. It's been so wonderful having our sweet little boy in our home. Seriously, I looove being a mom and having such a sweet, silly baby.

Allen in October '11

Larry also started the year with a bang by having major surgeries back to back (end of 2010 and beginning of 2011). He had his ileostomy reversed when Allen was just two weeks old and had just barely come home. Fortunately the surgery was successful and Larry's health/crohn's disease was pretty stable this year. (The previous year was horrible...)

Larry after his toughest surgery yet, March '11

Not much went on in terms of "me" but I've really enjoyed being home with Allen and taking care of him. I work at the vet on Saturdays and then have a work at home job for a cloth diaper company during the week that I get to do when Allen takes naps. My "real job" if you ask me, is being Allen's mom. I'm pretty proud of that :)

Spring/Summer of '11

Our lives were up and down quite a bit throughout the year. Yet 2011 will forever be one of the best years ever because it was the year I became a mom to my amazing baby boy :) I've loved all the memories we've created together. I can't put it into words. I know it sounds cheesy, but really, I can't describe the joy of having a baby and being a parent. I feel like with all the challenges in life, it really is true that if we're faithful, "all of our losses will be made up." I know for myself because Larry and I have not had it easy. And yet we were blessed with a one of a kind spirit as our son and he makes up for everything else. We're really in awe of him and he helps us and teaches us so much. We  thank Heavenly Father for him every. single. day.

First family Christmas Card!

Here's to 2012! (Now that we're already three weeks into it....:)