I feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage. Sometimes I feel like I'm pretty open about it...and other times, I feel like I hardly talk about it. No matter the case, I feel like I'm just trying to fill a void I can't understand. I just want to remember. I know what I felt before our angel left us. I loved them. We both did.
Yet many times, in the back of my mind I hear "you weren't that far along, and you were so young, it doesn't matter, stop mentioning it, you weren’t entitled to a baby now anyway." But none of that’s true. The only way to begin to understand is to go through it yourself. But even then, everyone has a different situation. For me, it's hard that we lost our first baby.
I think one of the hardest parts is not knowing exactly how it works; If the baby is now our guardian angel that we'll see on the other side or if the spirit never came and the baby will come again. All I know is that everything really does work out for our eternal welfare.
I really am doing well. I accepted what happened and I know God has a purpose to everything He does. It's just that longing that never leaves. I want what I had to come back to me. That's just how it is. I have my moments where it's a real struggle. But usually I just feel like my mind is paralyzed. I can't even find the emotions I felt for so long. My mind is just numb. It is definitely a roller coaster. I'm sad...then I'm numb...then I'm trusting...and so on.
I wrote this poem to describe how I feel.
Why is it that my heart is still aching?
It’s subtle but certain, my heart is just breaking.
The pain isn’t fading with each passing day.
My mind is numb, but I kneel down to pray.
I ask God to help me, to offer His care.
While something within me cries “this isn’t fair.”
I tell Him I trust Him, I trust in His plan.
I just can’t do it; I’ve done all I can.
I’m looking for answers, what is this I feel?
I’ve accepted the loss but I still need to heal.
Taken so soon, there was no goodbye.
Then He answers so softly, I’ll hold you...just cry.
3 comments:
So beautiful! I'll have to add your poem to my collection. It makes me cry :*( We are also remembering baby Balsmeier too! {{HUGS}}
That was a very beautiful poem, Megan!! Very heart felt!!
Hang in there Megan... Time will come when your pain will not be as difficult to endure... Still we will never forget your little baby that went back to Heaven too soon... Some day you will meet him or her on the other side...until then we will remember and acknowledge your little baby's short presence on earth...
Thanks. It's not too hard. Other people have it soooo much harder. I know they say not to say that, but it's true. I know a number of people going through much more difficult losses or struggles. I feel like I could never complain about anything again. I will always remember of course. I just feel a lot of gratitude and understanding for why things went the way they did.
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