LOSS

I feel withdrawn and empty. I wanted to hide for a while but I need to tell you what happened so I can move forward, even though I feel like I want time to hold still so I don’t have to let go. I found out I was pregnant on September 1^st  (due May 13, 2013). I told Larry by sending Allen into the room wearing a onesie that said “Big Brother May 2013.” We saw the heartbeat on September 18^th when I was just over 6 weeks along. (I have to be seen early due to my history.) I felt really hopeful. Since we saw the heartbeat with Allen, but not with my first two miscarriages, I had something to hold onto.

But the next couple days I was worried for some reason. I had been really sick and then one day I just felt better. On Friday, September 21^st, I went back to the doctor for another ultrasound. My heart sank. There was no heartbeat. Dr. Watts said he was sorry. He arranged to do a D & C at St. Marks that afternoon.

 I went home for a couple hours and then me, Larry, and Allen went to St. Marks and I was admitted to my room. Eventually, they took me down to get ready for the O.R. Dr. Watts came to talk to me and took me to the operating room for the procedure. When I woke up, I felt empty and sad that it was all over. The nurse leaned over and told me she was really sorry and knew I’ve always had a hard time being able to have babies. All of my nurses that day were really compassionate towards me, as was my doctor (he's always been really caring and helped me get treatment to have Allen and he delivered him). I'm grateful for them.

When I got back to my room I was alone at first. Then Larry and Allen came in. I’m so grateful I have my baby boy and having him there with me brought me a lot of comfort. But the loss is always so real when I miscarry. This was my third miscarriage. 75% of my pregnancies have ended in early miscarriage. I have to be on medications to even attempt to get and stay pregnant and it takes a lot of time and patience.

Now I just want to remember my baby with the heart beating that I saw just days earlier. I don’t need to hear about other’s knowing how it feels from their experiences, because I feel we all have different losses,  and it’s always hard. I guess I don't really mind people sharing if they want to (I think it's human nature to try and relate), but we’re each different and have different situations.   I just want to hear “I’m sorry.” I just want to remember the loss and be hopeful for the future.

I’m so grateful for my little boy, Allen, he means the world to me. He helps me stay hopeful too. Larry gave me a blessing last night and has tried to help me cheer up (he sent Allen to give me a kiss, which he did, sweet little boy). I don’t know how it all works or why I have these challenges. But I feel like we'll have each of the babies that are meant to come to us when the time is right. The losses along the way are always heartbreaking, but all I can do is keep hoping.