In Memory, One Year Later

I feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage. Sometimes I feel like I'm pretty open about it...and other times, I feel like I hardly talk about it. No matter the case, I feel like I'm just trying to fill a void I can't understand. I just want to remember. I know what I felt before our angel left us. I loved them. We both did.

Yet many times, in the back of my mind I hear "you weren't that far along, and you were so young, it doesn't matter, stop mentioning it, you weren’t entitled to a baby now anyway." But none of that’s true. The only way to begin to understand is to go through it yourself. But even then, everyone has a different situation. For me, it's hard that we lost our first baby.

I think one of the hardest parts is not knowing exactly how it works; If the baby is now our guardian angel that we'll see on the other side or if the spirit never came and the baby will come again. All I know is that everything really does work out for our eternal welfare.

I really am doing well. I accepted what happened and I know God has a purpose to everything He does. It's just that longing that never leaves. I want what I had to come back to me. That's just how it is. I have my moments where it's a real struggle. But usually I just feel like my mind is paralyzed. I can't even find the emotions I felt for so long. My mind is just numb. It is definitely a roller coaster. I'm sad...then I'm numb...then I'm trusting...and so on.

I wrote this poem to describe how I feel.

Why is it that my heart is still aching?
It’s subtle but certain, my heart is just breaking.
The pain isn’t fading with each passing day.
My mind is numb, but I kneel down to pray.
I ask God to help me, to offer His care.
While something within me cries “this isn’t fair.”
I tell Him I trust Him, I trust in His plan.
I just can’t do it; I’ve done all I can.
I’m looking for answers, what is this I feel?
I’ve accepted the loss but I still need to heal.
Taken so soon, there was no goodbye.
Then He answers so softly, I’ll hold you...just cry.

Just Some Thoughts...

So I just felt like blogging a bit today...been up for two hours and still sitting here in my pajamas. I use my blog as a bit of a journal...but usually not too personal. Today I feel like writing though, hopefully not to my regret.

As some of you know, we are approaching the one year anniversary of the miscarriage. Father's Day was hard. We found out about the baby the previous Father's day. (Of course, Father’s day is hard anyway because Larry misses his dad.) Some people think that when you have a miscarriage it was nothing, you should just get over it. I'm still surprised at what it's really like to go through. How much you long for what you've lost no matter how much time passes. The only way to understand is to go through it yourself. I’ve moved on but it will always be in my mind. That’s just how it is. Anyway, I'll talk more about that later.

Things are going fine with us. We've just been stressed out because of my not working. I have at least one job prospect/interview a week and they don't pan out. The office job I had planned on doing wasn't right for me, so it fell through. I have two leads right now though: A veterinary reception job (which I really want) and going postal (which scares me)-I applied for Heidi's old job at usps…pays well though.

I've been trying to get my business going but haven't been able to market it much. So I haven't made any money doing that. I'm just feeling overwhelmed lately because I thought for sure I would have a good job by now. I'm a really good employee, educated, and have great customer service. I just can’t get anything. The jobs I could get pay beans. I'm collecting unemployment though, which helps a little.

Larry has been working a lot lately...not fun. Since he's a salaried employee, it doesn't bring us any more money. I feel confident that we'll be okay. We pay our tithing and do what's right. The Lord will come through for us. My optimism doesn't overshadow the burden that Larry feels. (He has a lot of medical bills on top of everything else) I just hope I can help Larry feel less stressed in the mean time. I think it bugs him that I’m so optimistic and honestly feel like things are good, because the stress is on him. I just feel like we're very blessed and everything will be okay.

I'm so happy that I'm married to him. There are times when we have difficulties, but who doesn't. It doesn't last long though because Larry has a way of making me laugh and turning things around in no time. I feel like things are going well for us and I'm happy. It's just been boring not doing much. And it kinda overwhelms me to realize that I could have gone to school this summer and graduated. Of course, I didn't because I thought I'd have a job.

So there ya go, a little insight into the life of Megan. It sounds kinda depressing. But in reality, I'm happy...just bored...and wondering what life has in store. I feel iffy wondering if the Lord will keep us in Utah or bring us to Kansas. I know that whatever happens will be right. Thanks for reading my ramblings! :)

K, these are just random photos...

Rain, rain, go away...(Kodi has a rain coat, and that makes him awesome)

"Please, no more pictures"

Larry serenading me with his guitar

I'd smile, but I still have braces and don't want to get all shimmery on you :)

For Father's Day, I got my dad a tie...since it was an obvious father's day present, I thought I'd wrap it as obvious as possible. How cool is that wrapping paper...it's even wearable. Don't worry, the tie underneath was nice.

My 21st Birthday

So I hit the big milestone...I turned 21 on June 11th :)(Meaning I now have a horizontal drivers license, yay me!) Of course I'll still be megan mormon, don't worry. I had a good birthday, thanks to Larry. He took me to the Roof for dinner. I love that place. And we got the best table too; right there closest to the towering Salt Lake Temple. We both stuffed ourselves with our money's worth...I didn't feel too well after that.

Here's me not acting my age...imagine that (yes I even got the "Megan just eat" line from Larry. My family was all too familiar with that phrase.)

Later, Larry gave me a cake and sang happy birthday to me. It was a beautiful rendition of course.
It was all stormy as it has been all June. I think God is still upset about the gay pride parade they had here in Salt Lake (that's when it started and it hasn't stopped since.) Something tells me some people won't like me for that comment..but hey. I even got a rainbow on my birthday. I just realized that's a funny thing to mention after my previous comment.