The NICU

I'm finally catching up on the blog now. Our baby boy is almost 7 weeks old now. This post is from my very long journal entry about Allen's time in the hospital...I edited some out, but this is most of it. I warn you, it's VERY long and detailed! For a summarized version, just look through the pictures ;) I'm glad I actually remembered all of this because I didn't keep a journal while we were there. The hospital gave us this special NICU book/journal, but I was so caught up with everything I never used it. I kinda wish I had, but I just didn't really get around to it.This post may sound a little negative here and there. I really don't mean it that way. Of course, it was difficult at times. And I was certainly emotional at that time. But overall it was such a special time. I loved it. I loved getting to know my baby and every moment I got to spend with him. I remember some of my hardest days. I would be off in my room or at home feeling really down. But the moment I walked in the NICU, saw my baby boy, and held him, I felt so happy and at peace. His spirit always cheered me up!

Allen was taken to the NICU within the first hour of his birth. When I got up to my room on the second floor, I was sad that he wasn't there with me. It wasn't how I pictured things. I thought I'd have his little bassinet next to me and I'd get to hold him in my bed. Instead I sat alone, wondering what was going on. Larry was there on and off though.

At about 8:00PM that night, the Neonatologist, Dr. Smith, came in and scared the bejeezies out of me. She seemed so somber and it seemed she was about to tell us the worst news ever. My heart sank. I seriously feared the very worst. It was so scary. In desperation, I blurted out something like "Is he okay?!" and she said he was. Oh my gosh, the relief I felt. Though I was tempted to smack her for scaring me like that! Just kidding. She explained that he was sick and was breathing really hard and fast, and that he needed oxygen. She said I could go down and see him. I was so excited! I hadn't seen him in three hours! Larry helped me into a wheel chair and off we went. I didn't even care when we hit bumps along the journey. I mean that literally, it was a bumpy ride ;)  I was off to see my baby!

We got to the NICU and went into the more critical room. Baby Allen was in a special bed all hooked up to wires and monitors. There was all sorts of beeping and stuff. I got used to those sounds very quickly. Oh and Allen was sporting an awesome space baby helmet...the oxygen dome. It was kinda hard to see him because of the humidity in there. He was all sweaty, but so cute of course. I held his hand and talked to him. I had a hard time that some of the nurses seemed possessive from the start. I know they only cared about him getting better but still, it was kinda hard. They talked about how stimulation was so hard on them (which is funny, cuz the NICU can be a rowdy place) and I can only touch him a certain way, couldn't stroke him, and had to be quiet. I understood that, but I believed from the start what I still believe today. A mother's touch is the most comforting thing to a newborn baby.

Space Baby

It was frustrating to have to deal with the rules, the nurses, etc. Some were more compassionate than others. I am really grateful for all the nurses and doctors there though. K, back to the story. Larry and I visited with him and took pictures. At some point, some of my siblings and my mom, dad, and step dad got to take turns coming in to see him. We could only have two people at a time in there. So Larry had to go out when someone else came in. I remember just staring at baby Allen and feeling such peace. I felt so much love for him.

Eventually I went back to my room. It was hard to leave him. I would get used to having to come and go  but it was never easy. Wow, I'm writing quite a bit about that first night. Oh well :) Later that night everyone, including Larry went home. I was alone again, feeling bad for myself, worrying about my baby. My nurse would come in occasionally to squish my deflated stomach. Haha.

By the time it was midnight I still couldn't sleep. I got on the Ipad to see that Larry uploaded pictures on Facebook. I loved looking at them. But then I felt down and wanted to see my baby. I remember praying that I could get through not having him that night and that I could have him in my room the next night. I thought for sure I would get him with me in no time. But I found out that he would have to be off oxygen for 48 hours before they'd let him be with me. I realized he wouldn't get to be in my room at all.

I wouldn't go to sleep that night. So I ventured off to the NICU, all by my wobbly self. After our visit I went back to my room and finally cried myself to sleep. I only slept for like three hours once it was 4 am or so. The next morning we went to see our baby and were happy to see that he was free from the dome! We were told he would need to be on oxygen still but with a nasal canula. He was totally off oxygen! Okay well that lasted like two hours. He got the nasal canula.

We got to hold him that morning :) It was Larry's first time holding him. I just loved seeing him hold him.

Larry holding Allen for the first time.

Then we got to dress him for the first time. At that point he had only worn a diaper. They had pulled out an outfit for him, not like hospital clothes, but like donated clothes. I asked if I could bring my own outfit. I had some cute elephant pajamas in my room that I packed just in case (in addition to his going home outfit.) They said I could bring them if I didn't mind risking them getting lost. I didn't care. I  was ready to have fun and dress my baby up all cute. He looked adorable! And since he was out of the "space hat" his hair had dried and was all fuzzy and super blonde!

Allen in his elephant jammies

Well, Wednesday night, I had come to terms that my baby was in the NICU. I decided to try and get some sleep. But of course, happy little people in the hallways had to make noise ;) I could hear babies crying in the rooms with their moms, family members laughing, etc. I felt bad for myself again. Actually I felt pretty jealous too. I wanted my baby with me so bad. Then I couldn't sleep because the person in the room next to me was snoring. I'm usually fine with stuff like that, but I'm talking freight train here people. To add to that, an overhead light was rattling...so I took it and ripped it off the wall. Eventually I got a tiny bit of sleep again. The next morning Dr. Watts came to check on me. He laughed at how I solved the noise issue by tearing the room apart. It was Thursday. It was time for me to be discharged :( BUT, I didn't have to go home yet. They said I could move to a boarding room down the hall. I was on my own and not a patient anymore. But I was still in a hospital room so that was nice. I spent a couple days there.

Back to baby Allen. On Thursday (I think), he moved to the regular NICU room. That's what I think of most when I reflect on the whole experience since he spent a week there. It was a very long week (again, 9 days total). We got used to our day going like this: Hurry and get ready in the morning, press the button to the NICU (Can I help you? - It's Balsmeier - Come on in…Sanitize hands, give security code...haha we did this a million times.) go feed the baby, go back to my room to pump, back to the nicu to put milk in the fridge, back to my room for a few, then go back to the baby and do his cares (diaper change, temperature), put the curtains on wheels around his little bed to feed the baby again, go sleep for 10 minutes, start all over, again and again every three hours.

Our beautiful boy, always so quiet and well behaved.

Half that time was spent doing his cares and feeding him. Of course, some of the nurses said that was too long. Others said, "he's your baby, spend all the time you need with him." Those were the ones I liked best :) A couple of the nurses made me feel like a horrible mom because I didn't leave at the thirty minute mark like they wanted me too. But there was no way I could get done that fast. It took awhile just to change his diaper, clothes, etc...the cords slow you down a little. His three hour NICU schedule was 8, 11, 2, 5 AM & PM. It's ingrained in my mind now. The thing was, he was too tired doing that schedule. So was I. I had to wake him up and try to get him to eat, and to stay awake to eat. Then I had to force him to go to sleep when he wanted to be awake. It was rough.

All worn out

The first night in that room, Larry sat and held Allen in his arms and gave him a quiet little priesthood blessing. It was sweet. We weren't sure what was going on with him and why he needed oxygen. We asked lots of questions but didn't really get anywhere. They just said his lungs were cloudy on x-ray. My hopes of having him off oxygen for 48 hours so he could go home were diminishing.  He always had to go back on it when they tried to take him off. Then we bjust hoped he could at least be turned down some.

Somewhere along the way, I think on day 4, we found out they were treating him for presumed pneumonia and that he had to go through the full 7 days antibiotics. I officially started to wonder when I would ever take him home. So St. Marks was my little world. I went to visit and care for Allen every 3 hours, spending almost half that time with him, the rest trying to get things done like grab something to eat or a tiny nap. We dressed him in his own clothes and had a little bin for him so they wouldn't lose them. It was fun getting to be his parents and take care of him even though it wasn't how we planned. I have so many special memories of just sitting in those rockers and getting to know our little one. I loved how he would stretch and squish his fists on his squishy little cheeks and we'd call him "Monkey!"

Our sweet little boy

I can still picture that little world in my mind in a heartbeat. Little Allen was right in the middle of the room where the windows were. He was surrounded by cute little girls, mostly preemies. We joked he didn't want to leave the NICU cuz he had all these girls around him. It was kinda funny, we called it the "A" section. Annabelle, Avery, Allen, Audrey, Aarelyn. We got to know the other parents and talked to them a bit. Oh and we also joked that the hospital wouldn't release him because they wanted to keep him for themselves because he's so dang cute.

My stay on the second floor ended that day. I didn't want to go home without Allen. I was so happy when the NICU director came to my room and told me there was a guest room right across the hall from the NICU where I could stay for a day or so. But they ended up letting me stay through the weekend.   It was nice not to have to trek all the way back and forth, up and down. I did miss the sprite machine though ;)

On Saturday we asked to give Allen his first bath. The nurse told us he already had his first bath. What?! We made it clear we wanted to be there for it! Well, turns out it never got recorded so we don't really know if he did get a bath. But apparently he almost certainly got one. So later that night another nurse said we could give him a bath and told us to bring the video camera, to try and make it special, etc. It was fun getting to wash him up all clean.

Smiling

The next day, Sunday, our Bishopric came to visit. Well, Bishop Thrall and Brother Brand. They offered to give Allen a blessing.  It was such a special blessing. Larry gave the blessing. (I know I just said blessing a bunch of times. I through my writing skills out the window ;) The Spirit was really strong and I started to cry. Partially from the spirit, and also from sadness. The Bishop offered to give me a blessing in my room. It was really nice and comforting. He talked about my mission as Allen's mom and what a special little boy he is. He said he has a very special purpose that hasn't yet been revealed. I wrote notes of the blessing on a paper towel so I could remember it forever and ever ;) Then Brother Brand gave Larry a nice blessing too. It meant so much to us. Everyone was so caring through all of this. Family, friends, ward members. Through our days there they came and visited, brought meals, etc. I'm really grateful for the kindness of others. It really inspired me to help others more. I know it may not have seemed huge to them, but it meant so much to us.

My little fonzie

On Monday, we opened the blinds for a larger group of family to visit. Emily came and took Allen's first professional pictures. They turned out great. 

The days wore on. A couple of the nurses made us angry to the point that I told the supervisor they weren't allowed to be his nurse anymore. Others were wonderful and I told their supervisor that I wanted them to care for him every time they were on. (Renae was my favorite! She was one of his night nurses.) I thought my life was destined to go on in the NICU...I forgot about life at home. But Larry said I had to come home...and eventually (on Monday) my stay in the guest room was over. I had to accept that I was going home without Allen. 

Instead of my walk across the hall I had to hop in the car to go feed Allen. Thank goodness the hospital is so dang close. I was pretty good about going to all but one or two of his night feedings. Those were some of my favorite visits with him. It was a lot more quiet and peaceful. Larry came to visit him a few times a day too. I loved watching him hold the baby and give him a bottle and stuff. He's been such a good dad from the start.

As the days passed I got more and more frustrated that Allen was still in the NICU. I know 9 days isn't much, but for our seemingly healthy, full term baby, it was frustrating for us. By the time March rolled around, I told Dr. Smith that the 3 hour schedule wasn't working anymore. She allowed us to switch to ad lib schedule. It was kinda weird not being on the 3 hr schedule. But finally, both Allen and I were getting sleep! We also pressed them to let us take him home. I started getting really jealous as I heard about other babies getting to take the coveted "car seat test," do hospital photos, etc. in preparation for going home. Allen had been in there longer than many of them. We asked to take him home on oxygen. We knew he wasn't coming off anytime soon (our intuition). I told her that I really felt he would do better at home. She said we could try him on an oxygen tank of 1/16th for a day but if he couldn't handle it he'd have to go back on "the wall."

We also finally got permission to let him try the car seat challenge. The doctor didn't seem to think he would pass but she reluctantly said he could try the car seat test. This was all a really big deal. We got to bring the car seat in. That night we both came to his 11PM feeding. Larry adjusted the car seat and the nurse said we could go ahead and put him in. The challenge began! We had to leave while he sat in there for two hours while successfully maintaining his stats (for him it was on home oxygen). We went in the room to watch the CPR video...that passed 20 minutes of the time. Then we went home. I remember praying with a lot of faith that night. I was even surprised I actually felt peaceful and slept. The nurse called at 2AM. He passed! We were so happy.

But he still had to be able to stay on the tank through the night. The next morning I went in and looked at the tank, then back at him, then at the wall. He was still on the tank! Dr. Smith came in and I told her how he passed the car seat test. Then she said "He's on the wall." I've decided she loves freaking me out. I looked again to see if I was crazy. No, he was NOT on the wall. I told the doctor, "Nuh uh, look!" Ha. He was still on the tank.

Then the moment of truth arrived on that morning, Thursday March 3rd. She said he could go home! Ahhh! It was finally OUR turn. We went home while the nurse packed up his belongings and got everything taken care of that needed to be done before he went home (needed the hearing test from the audiologist,etc.) I made cookies and wrote a thank you card for the doctors, nurses, volunteers, etc.

We went to the NICU for the last time to bring baby Allen home! It was so weird seeing his bed all cleared out and everything.  I dressed Allen in his go home outfit...he barely fit in it at this point. The oxygen guy came to the hospital and set us up with our equipment. Larry packed up all our stuff  and took it to the car (holy cow, he had lots of luggage from living in there). 

Ready to go home!

Then the Our365 lady came to take pictures.  I didn't want to delay him going home, but since she was there taking pictures of another baby, I figured we may as well have her do Allen's too. But we weren't going to buy them. Haha. Suuure. They put him in this comfy dog bed thing and he was just adorable. It was fun and exciting having our special day. The picture girl took us out in the hall and showed us this cute video with his pics that made us all warm and fuzzy.  We bought the full package. Cha-Ching!

He's so cute! He had fun getting his pictures taken. We couldn't resist.

Then we went to get Allen. We were all ready to go! It had been such a journey. And we had made it through our NICU experience. I know we had it easier and better than most, I don't know how people do it. The nurse walked with me and Allen to the front doors as Larry pulled the car around...and then we were free! And so it began. Life at home.